Time of my Life

I feel like my mind has a cold. I went snowboarding last weekend, something I used to really enjoy, and I couldn't wait to just get inside and take my boots off. I went to see van halen with my dad and even though it was fun it didn't feel like it was worth all the money and I feel guilty. I can't find a reason to want to go to work in the morning and I have the best job. I work hard for an hour at the gym and I wait for the endorphin high but it never comes. I pushed and pushed to complete a huge project at work but when I was done I wasn't proud of what I accomplished. Food doesn't taste good and I don't want to talk to anyone.

Everything seems so dull and muted and I wonder why I've been working so hard. Maybe I haven't been working hard enough. Where's my fight club?

I can push off these feelings for a while but they always come back. Today is just a bad day.

I figured this was going to be a problem so I took advantage of the health insurance I pay a premium for but never use and went to see a therapist. I'm probably marked as damaged goods for life now and will never be able to get fairly priced health or life insurance again. Healthcare in this country is awesome.

I don't know where it's going yet but it at least helps to get an opinion from someone who is paid to remain neutral (or when you think about it, paid to not give a shit or care). I do worry that I'm not giving them accurate information. I'm so wrapped up in my own head that I wonder if I'm capable of painting an accurate picture of my life. I really can't tell where I end and the problem begins. I don't know if I have any right to be upset about things.

I remember when I was 14 and had no trouble falling asleep at night. Those were the days.

If I get a toothache I go see the dentist. If I get sick or hurt I go see the doctor. If I feel like I'm not handling my thoughts properly why not see a therapist?

Maybe it's because I come from a proud family with Italian roots or maybe it's because my family was always afraid to show weakness and affection, but they have always discouraged therapy. My dad seems to think everything can be solved with rational conversation and when that doesn't work you can just walk away. Or, if you're feeling down or stressed just self medicate with a drink or a little marijuana. Nevermind the inappropriate circumstances of your childhood, that doesn't matter. Above all, if there's a big problem, just ignore it and it will work itself out in the end (and if even that doesn't work just throw a little money at it to quite things down).

I don't blame my dad. Actually, I don't blame either of my parents or even their parents. They have all done the best with what they had and if you come from a culture that didn't have therapists (or couldn't ever afford one) I can understand how going to see one wouldn't even enter the picture when you're having a problem.

Lucky for me, I am in a place to talk with a professional. I think seeing a therapist is one of the better moves I've made in recent years and I'm sad I didn't do it a lot sooner. I watched an amazing documentary called Sketches of Frank Gehry directed by Sydney Pollack and Gehry didn't become the prolific architect he is without the help of a therapist. It really makes you realize that therapy just helps you become a better person and doesn't always mean there is something terribly wrong.

I've been plagued by canker sores since I was a kid. Whether they're stress induced or a form of herpes has been a heated debate between my wife and I for quite some time but for as long as I can tell I've gotten them when I've been stressed.

As expected, after my recent stress at work I have acquired a few lovely new sores. They're usually no big deal but this time they're right in the corner of my mouth near my lips. This still wouldn't be a big deal but I swear back in college I had a nasty one very near this location that seemed to last for weeks and when it was finally over I lost the ability to pick up that corner of my mouth when I smile. I guess I could have always had a crooked smile but I didn't seem to notice it until after I had that gnarly sore.

I'm hoping I will make a full recovery from this round of sores and not end up looking like a stroke victim or Katie Holmes.

For the last month the walk from our entry gate to the car (or curb) has literally been a solid sheet of ice. The sidewalk happens to lose elevation just as our walkway meets with it resulting in a slushy pool of muck in the day and a little black ice rink after dark. Also, to make matters worse, as the snow or ice on the higher elevations on either side of the muck pool melt they run down the sidewalk into the pool creating some of that wonderful and invisible black ice on both sides. It’s a trap and it finally got me today.

I forgot my lunch and started to run back inside, leaping over the little ice rink only to land on the invisible ice on the other side. It was a wipeout worthy of film. I busted up my knee and elbow but the really amazing thing is I didn’t rip my pants or jacket.

Great start today.

I’ve made the decision to stop drinking alcohol for a while. I’m shooting for a month and we’ll see how I feel after a month has gone by. If it feels good I just might go on forever. I’ve got a number of reasons for quitting, the most prevalent being calorie consumption. It’s just way too hard to follow a restricted calorie diet and drink alcohol. One, beer contains a ton of calories. Two, when I’m drunk I eat too much.

There are plenty of other reasons to quit as well. Like the fact that there is addiction in my family, or the fact that there have been a few rough nights between the wife and I because of the amount of alcohol I consumed. Also, I’ve had a beer the last couple nights and it just didn’t make me feel good.

Cheers to not drinking!

Focus, focus, focus, focus, focus... Nope.

Sort of on a whim Nicole and I went to look at properties last weekend. We have been half joking about getting a house in place of moving to LA because the market is so ridiculously oversaturated with foreclosures.

On Sunday we ended up finding a really great place which Nicole fell in love with. Yesterday we went to take a look inside and today we put in an offer. If we had seen the place a moment sooner we would have surely gotten the house. Now, we're competing with another offer. I don't know what the other offer is or who is offering it.

If it's meant to be it's meant to be right?

I'll let you know how it goes.