As much as I have romanticized the idea of being a "professional student," i can't believe I'm actually in school again. I knew that if I wanted to be a credentialed teacher in California, I'd have more coursework ahead of me, but I didn't think I'd be jumping into a graduate program so soon.

I recently started the next leg of my journey at National University, a private school with my entire graduate program available online. Even though this is an expensive, less prestigious route it is my best option right now. Without a second car driving to classes at a state college was going to be more trouble and expense than it is worth.

So here I am in week two of my first class and I can see the faint glow of light at the end of the tunnel. If all goes as planned I should have a teaching credential in 14 months and a master's in education another 6 months after that!

Wish me luck!

i didn't know it then, staring at the bottom of my brother's bunk, but i was searching for contentment. why would a 12 year old be contemplating such things? i don't know really, i can't remember what drove me to such a deep thought but the memory is vivid.

the afternoon light was breaking through the cheap plastic blinds. i threw myself atop my covers shoes and all. frustration was coursing my veins. i stared at the dark heavy wood above me trying to sort out my thoughts. why do we do this to ourselves? the words echoed in my head until a warm tear slid down my cheek and into my ear. i wanted so badly to understand why humans live in such strife. why must we always struggle to get someplace, to become something? why did they keep asking me what i wanted to be when i grow up? i hated that question.

right then i knew the solution was to just be. why can't we just be? i wanted that so badly for us all. i was 12, and closer to just "being" than i am now.

my spirit still yearns for a time that we can all just be. and for a moment i wish this black and white world would spin uncontrollably into gray, where these words made more sense. or less sense. or no sense. nonsense.

there isn't a word to describe what i was searching for that day, i just was.

no childhood proverb will ever mask the fact that words have the power leave lasting wounds.

be aware of the words that leave your lips.

I can't remember what it's like to be bored.

Life is grand.

It's 4pm and I just woke up from sleeping off my sickness. Yep, sick again. It's May and this is probably the 10th time I've been sick since I started teaching. I called my team this morning to let them know the germs were taking over and they highly suggested I see a doctor. "For what?" I asked. Well, to get on some antibiotics, duh.

It was 6am, I was sick and not in the mood to argue my stance on antibiotics. But now that I am feeling a bit better (without having taken any medication) I feel the need to rant...

In case you didn't already see this coming: I am not in love with antibiotics. Unless I have some life-threatening infection, I will not take antibiotics. Aside from the fact that I'm allergic to penicillin and a couple other antibiotics, my body has just never fared well on them. Without getting too personal, I'll just say that my body's natural balance is apparently very delicate and some of my lady friends out there probably know what I'm itching to say.

Most people, it seems, have pleasurable experiences with antibiotics and, unlike myself, most people have never had the pleasure of feeling their throat swell up after taking them. Irrespective of severe negative reactions, I think we should all think more seriously about the consequences of overusing antibiotics. I know that's a hard concept to swallow in this fear driven age of too-much-(mis)information. But guess what? Germs are everywhere, people! They're crawling up your fingertips right now waiting for the perfect moment to strike and a cabinet full of antibiotics only makes them stronger. Guess what else? You are a complex living organism and you're going to get sick from time to time but there's always a good chance you'll be just fine. And if you die from the common cold because Nicole Filosa told you not to take antibiotics, well then, I'm very sorry. I'll buy you a coffee when I get to heaven.

Until then, I hope you are all happy and healthy, and a long way off from taking me up on that coffee.

I spoke to my brother today, he sounded happier than I've heard him sound in a long time. Its amazing how I could see the spark in his eye with only the sound of his voice.

His spark showed me that each one of us has an inextinguishable light inside. So often we let it get buried under this world's worries, fears, and regrets. Our light shines brightest when we keep our innerspace clean, clear of clutter -- yeah I said it, declutter your innerspace.

I know exactly what you're looking for now: that concise little step-by-step guide on exactly how to "declutter" your innerspace. Sorry, you won't find that here, besides, you don't need a guide, a p-touch label maker, or a burning sage brush to find your little light.

All you need is one moment, one breath, and all of your attention. For just one solitary second allow yourself to feel that peaceful light pierce through all those layers of clutter. That little light has no idea how much crap you've piled on top of it, it has always shined with all its might.

Let it shine. Let it shine. Let it shine.

Did you hear about the global recession? Unrest in the Middle East? Violence in our streets? It can make your head spin, your stomach turn, and your mind sick.

I quit the news.

I haven't watched, read, or listened to any news in two weeks. I don't feel less informed, less connected, or withdrawn. I feel at peace. I'm no longer taking spoonfuls of fear from mass media puppeteers. I'm not participating in a global recession and the weight of the world does not belong on my shoulders.

Maybe I'm just living a life of ignorance, walking the streets in my self-imposed bubble. Please refrain from popping it, because, baby, THIS IS BLISS.

listen

i sat down at my keyboard, in hopes of saying something profound.

Instead, i had a great laugh at myself.

I'm on spring break right now, and though my heart is sad that I couldn't go home for the break, there's no place I'd rather be than Southern California. Spring weather here is as close to perfect as perfect gets. True, a trip home would warm parts of me that sunshine never will but it was a nice consolation prize to sunbathe near the pool yesterday.

I don't have much on my agenda for the week, since not having a car (Dominic uses our only one for work) and being eternally low on cash makes site seeing solo a little out of reach. If it warms up again I may catch the bus to the beach but it's supposed to be a blustery 68 degrees today and possibly rainy tomorrow.

I only have one goal for the week and that is to enjoy life exactly as it is. So far it has been an easy goal to attain.

Life is grand.

Everywhere from psychology to interior design there is this pervasive theme of decluttering. Just type it into google and you'll find tips for decluttering everything from your closet to your mind. What exactly is clutter? And why does it seem to be such an epidemic?

I went to the only source for reliable answers and Wikipedia told me that clutter is "a confusing or disorderly state or collection" and excessive amounts of this could be a symptom of compulsive hoarding. Wait, I thought only hamsters and mice hoarded, ew are we turning into rodents? I suppose if our junk drawers equivalent to a hamster's cheek pouches then we may as well be OCD rodents!

How did this happen? Why do we collect all this stuff that is just weighing us down? And how does it get out of control so fast? I think it means that stuff is always coming in, to our homes and our minds, but stuff rarely goes out. Well, smelly garbage and the stuff we flush down the toilet make it out but other things build up and get hidden in the nooks and crannies and junk drawers of our lives. We have yet to perfect a system of releasing old things.

On second thought, there seem to be plenty of systems, checklists, formulas, guide books, and advice from everyone under the sun. Of course, everyone wants to cash in on the misery of others but its just making matters worse by cluttering our minds and bookshelves with more junk. "Decluttering" is just the new fad diet that will never work because something is fundamentally effed up with our culture.

Our lives are driven by a sense of scarcity, especially lately with the "state of the economy", the "worldwide recession", and the "global crisis". Yet, in America, at least, we're suffering from record amounts of obesity and a seemingly widespread epidemic of clutter, which, cannot possibly be a result of lack. Perhaps, if we stop wasting our time and space with all the materials out there on dieting and decluttering, and start seeing these issues as symptoms of abundance we can approach a solution. But as long as we are driven by a false sense of scarcity we're always going to feel hungry.