i didn't know it then, staring at the bottom of my brother's bunk, but i was searching for contentment. why would a 12 year old be contemplating such things? i don't know really, i can't remember what drove me to such a deep thought but the memory is vivid.

the afternoon light was breaking through the cheap plastic blinds. i threw myself atop my covers shoes and all. frustration was coursing my veins. i stared at the dark heavy wood above me trying to sort out my thoughts. why do we do this to ourselves? the words echoed in my head until a warm tear slid down my cheek and into my ear. i wanted so badly to understand why humans live in such strife. why must we always struggle to get someplace, to become something? why did they keep asking me what i wanted to be when i grow up? i hated that question.

right then i knew the solution was to just be. why can't we just be? i wanted that so badly for us all. i was 12, and closer to just "being" than i am now.

my spirit still yearns for a time that we can all just be. and for a moment i wish this black and white world would spin uncontrollably into gray, where these words made more sense. or less sense. or no sense. nonsense.

there isn't a word to describe what i was searching for that day, i just was.